The Harmful “Pastor’s Wife” Cliché: An Homage to Stevie
Awhile back I told my wife that I would write a blog about her, and here it is.
My wife and I just celebrated our 5 years of marriage this past Friday, and honestly the time has flown by. It's been an incredible journey of love, growth, and adventure together. One of our biggest adventures that we constantly live with is my call to ministry. This call on my life has naturally affected my marriage, and therefore my wife. So, let's get real and talk about the "pastor's wife" cliche...and learn a lot about Stevie along the way.
Before we get started, I want to make it clear that my title is not "Pastor" but "Director". This is a distinction my denomination makes to clearly communicate who is credentialed and who is not. I am currently pursuing my credentialing process, but for now I am a "Director". Regardless, a lot of the work I do is considered pastoring. This is why I will use the term "pastor's wife" and not "director's wife".
Stevie and I have always struggled with the "pastor's wife" cliche and expectations subconsciously and consciously put on her because of my calling. We believe that God's calling on my life is not placed upon her, but rather she gets to choose to participate in it as God leads her to. A great example is when I first started full-time ministry. I never once asked her to come and help me, even on nights I wasn't sure how many leaders would be there to help. I simply let her help how she felt called to help, even if that was simply being a person to come home to at night. By the end of our first 3 years in ministry she was helping me host people at our house for monthly gatherings (She is SUPER gifted in hospitality btw), and leading a small group of amazing young women.
Even still, congregants expected Stevie to be a stereotypical "Pastor's Wife". An overly caring person who went out of their way to mingle with everyone, pray for people spontaneously, and coordinate little get togethers. People expected her to always be available to listen, teach a bible study, and prepare a dish for the pot luck. This is the cliche that I am talking about, and this is the cliche Stevie did not fit in to.
THANK GOD she didn't. THANK GOD she didn't conform to these expectations. THANK GOD she decided to live into who God created her to be. I believe that our youth ministry and our church are better because of it.
What Stevie brought to the table was not traditional, but it was needed. An introvert of quiet faith, healthy boundaries, and a personal life apart from the church. A strong-willed servant who knew how to say "no" in love and follow the Spirit's free leading and personal call on her own life. I think in some ways this showed the girls in our group that you don't have to live up to other's expectations of you, just follow God's leading and He (and many others) will be more than proud of you.
To this day we will often joke and she will say "I'm such a bad pastor's wife!" I often reminded her that she is not, but that she is just different. This was simply the way that God orchestrated what our marriage and ministry dynamic was going to look like. We don't think any less of those that fit this cliche that I described, in fact, we admire them as they do ministry together the way that God called them to.
The harm is when people place expectations on others based solely on stereotypes. This was a hard road for us to journey through the first couple of years, but now it's much easier. What I beg us all to do is to stop placing people in groups, and simply see them as individual people with unique stories and gifts. Although the "pastor's wife" cliche didn't get to Stevie and I too much, the placing of expectations based on stereotypes has hurt many.
Stevie is loving, caring, sweet, and kind-hearted. She is soft-spoken, servant-hearted, and content to follow God's lead. Stevie takes great care of herself and because of that she can take great care of others. She is a GREAT "pastor's wife" that far exceeds the expectations of others by simply following her God.
Grace and Peace,
Austin